I am a sensitive soul. I think you should know that. I rarely get overly emotional and have been told repetitively that I could benefit from more empathy. But I am strangely in tune with other people’s emotional states; so much so that it can overwhelmingly affect me.
It’s the little things that get me. If I am in a rough patch with close friend or family member, yes I am thrown off balance and definitely upset about it– since I am one that likes order and peace– and arguments (especially petty ones) tear me apart. But I am able to easily forgive and forget within the hour after everything blows over. This is not the case for random public encounters that don’t matter. at. all.
I hate it when you’re having a someone good and productive day, then that one person comes along and decides to make it their responsibility to create your personal hell. (yes I’m exaggerating) But strangers, as strange as it seems, really get to me. I think it’s the idea that someone who knows absolutely nothing about me can be so undeservingly mean, rude, bitter, or just inconsiderate, given the circumstance.
A little while ago I decided that I should get a part time job. I like money. I like to spend money. So it just made sense. Although I have a love/ hate relationship with how busy of a schedule I have (I like to do whatever I want, but I also like to be productive, and have a need to be busy, I’m complicated I know.)
So…money…job. Time to start applying I guess. A million online applications later, and a few actual responses– both positive and negative– I decided that something wasn’t working. Surely I wasn’t so awful of a candidate that I was completely un-hireable. So I decided to do things the old fashion way, a way that I was more likely to get a response within a reasonable time frame. I was going to actually go in-store to apply in-person. Crazy right? I’m pretty sure that when given the option to stay at home and hide behind a computer screen, everyone jumps at the chance (although there are those few who actually like to go outside and travel somewhere to do something. If I had a car I might reconsider.)
So I printed off a couple copies of my semi-decent resume and headed to a few nearby locations that seemed like good enough options that I wouldn’t want to kill myself if I spent a couple days a week working there. After the first 2 awkward realizations that I wasn’t going to buy anything, but that I actually wanted to fill out an application, I felt somewhat okay about it all, but I mostly felt depleted from the social interaction and self-doubt that I wasn’t good enough for the job since I was so inexperienced.
It was the last location that almost brought me to tears, as pathetic as it sounds. Halfway to my last destination I had a sudden realization that I had made a typo on my resume, from briefly scanning it over when I handed it in, and it turns out that I was right. Damn it. “It’s okay,” I told myself, I’ll just correct it at my last stop when I fill out the application, right? Wrong.
The first cue probably was, no offence but really not, that the lady behind the counter looked pissed. I had to wait in line since apparently that was the day to buy ice cream, and when I got to the counter and asked politely for an application, flashing a smile for good measure, I’d had to repeat myself because she couldn’t understand what I was asking. And I guess that’s understandable, she was expecting me to order a flavour, and when the word “application” came out of my mouth, she was kind of baffled for a minute. Sure, no problem I’m not unreasonable. But when she went to the back to talks to her alleged manager and called me over abruptly and some-what aggressively, they honestly weren’t speaking english. I mean, yes they spoke words, but that alleged manager really needed speech therapy or something because although the store was a little noisy, I still could barely understand anything she said other than a few words which I pieced together to be: “we don’t have applications”.
Ok in my defence I was just following directions, I had looked on the website ahead of time, checking for an online application but all I got was a helpful “stop by and fill out an application. ” So the next logical thing to do was suggest that I leave my resume, but I was quickly dismissed when the cashier barked at me that they WEREN’T HIRING! So I quickly explained in a jumble that sometimes it’s good to leave behind a resume for future reference of course. All I was given were stares of dis-interest/belief, so I lightheartedly laughed it off and thanked them for their time (which was actually nothing) and speed-walked out of there.
I was embarrassed. It’s already pretty awkward trying to convince companies why I am so great that they should hire and pay me money, but being rejected from an already uncomfortable concept is even worse. They didn’t even give me a chance. They weren’t gracious about it or even considerate at the misconception. I honestly felt like a fool. I so desperately wanted to disappear into nothing the whole time I walked home. But I survived and didn’t get hit by a car (despite how much I thought about it). Stupidly, I know, that interaction left me fighting off tears. I was shallowly, but consumingly hurt; by the implied rejection and undeservingly rude approach. I don’t cry easily–unless for some reason something like that happens.
I know these things shouldn’t be taken personally, that these people’s actions are a reflection of their character and not mine, but they still get to me. And I end up thinking about the encounter for the rest of the day. Cringing (and internally dying) when I remember these events months, even years later, remembering my pathetic pain.
I am a strong person. I’ve survived tough situations which have in turn made me tougher. But I have a hard shell and a fragile heart. For some reasons bitter strangers end up getting under my skin, which is the absolute worst thing anyone can experience. A human being with no compassion, concern, or consideration for your well being, but able to do all the damage without remorse. Kind of psychopathic don’t you think?
The lesson of this whole post is that: a) I’m good at rambling for a long time, not storytelling (over 1000 words and counting), b) in hindsight that pain will pass, but the illogicalness of it never will, and c) there is no lesson; humans are entirely imperfect and selfish creatures. But this shouldn’t stop you from living your life. ( and d) I am extremely petty and you really shouldn’t take any of this seriously.)
Looking on the bright side, this is so insignificant in comparison to literally anything, and at least I’m not a thirty-something still working in an ice cream chain.
Second Post Complete. I’m surprised you’re still here.
(I’ll leave you with a few Taylor Swift quotes.)
“There are two was you can get through pain. You can let it destroy you, or you can use it as fuel to drive you: to dream bigger, work harder.”
“No matter what happens in life, be good to people. Being good to people is a wonderful legacy to leave behind.”